someone's list


Someone wrote as part of his always delightful on-line journals:

Let me tell you a few secrets...
* I originally stopped eating mammals just to see if I could do it.

I tried that, discovered I could do it, and only really missed chicken. Didn't see any particular reason to continue the experiment after a year or so of inconveniencing people who invited me to dinner parties.

* The only reason I want to have children is to see how dominant my
phenotype is.

I decided very early I did not want to have children at all because I thought I'd be a lousy father. I'm grateful my only possible son went on to his next life instead of emerging in this one, although it would have been nice if the mother had discussed it with me beforehand.

* I am arrogant.
* I don't like arrogant people.

Ditto...

* I am a very bad liar. Thus, women walk all over me.
* I could be lying about that.

Dunno about that, but can think of plenty better reasons why women would want to touch your body with their feet.

* I am immoral.

You've been holding out on us, then. Been reading about your life for quite some time now and can't recall any evidence of immorality. Must be a closet immoralist.

* Sometimes I spell it wrong and think that I'll live forever.

Immortality is a concept which definitely doesn't appeal to me. Here today, gone tomorrow ... far preferable. I am an Immortal at mud2.com but only so long as I pay the monthly subscription fee. Is immortality really worth $25 a month?

* This list appeals to my conceit.

Understandable, since most of its subscribers admire you, think you're cute, or have other similarly weird notions about you. Of course, I speak only for myself. There may be crack-users subscribed who actually hate your guts.

* People who wear shoes in the house make my ass itchy.

Ignoring the possible Freudian aspects of that remark, I'll just mention that I grew up in Texas where we didn't wear shoes in or out of the house, so I'm quite comfortable with removing my slippers and walking around people's houses with my dirty feet. Of course, it would help if, as in more civilized countries, they had more public facilities for washing the feet without looking like an idiot sticking them under a faucet in the Hamilton Library restrooms.

* I sometimes enjoy talking like Sean Connery. "Bond, Jamesh Bond."

A lisp as a sign of good breeding is one of the peculiar things about the British. There are plenty more.

* I'm terrible at math. Making letters equal numbers confuses the
hell out of me.

It's not so bad in classic numerology where A=1, B=2, etc., but when it gets kinky and a+b=7899, I'm confused, too.

* I had one of the highest math SAT scores in my grade level.
* I had the highest verbal SAT score in my grade level.

I don't think we had such things when I was in school, may Allah be praised.

* My SAT scores don't mean shit now.

Neither will your degree, if you ever get your lazy butt back into school and get it.

* I got along with everyone in high school.

I start to believe the earlier remark about lying. Either you went to a very very small high school, or you were a total wimp.

* Mr. Marks, one of my teachers in the twelfth grade, accused me of
plagiarism. He told me that the short story I turned in was beyond
my intellectual ability and demanded to know where I copied it
from.
* He was the first and last person I have ever hated.

A more than ample justification for extreme dislike, even if it does seem somewhat contradictory to the earlier statement about getting along with everyone.

* I refuse to read the astrology column in the newspaper.

The ones in Ka Leo are sometimes amusing, but only Jonathan Cainer on the web can be taken seriously, even if I'm not totally sure I believe in it.

* My sister was baptized recently.
* I now have even less of a reason to talk to her.

Haven't talked to mine since 1971 but that's because she's a bitch, not because of any religious rituals.

* As a baby, my nickname was "The Michelin Man."

Mine was "Little Albert". Bleugh.

* I didn't like sushi as a child.

I didn't know such a thing existed. I didn't like peas or asparagus or any kind of fish.

* I still love every woman to whom I've ever said, I love you.
* I've said it to four women.
* That does not include relatives.

I still love every man, woman and cat I've ever said it to, but I couldn't begin to come up with an accurate count. I don't remember ever having said it to any relative.

* I always put the seat down afterwards. Even if there are no women
in the vicinity.

Me, too, but that's more the result of having lived so many years with cats in the house and disliking the idea of them drinking from the toilet bowl.

* When I was small(er) I used to ask my mom what a certain word
meant and she'd always reply, "Go look it up." Recently, she asked
me to teach her how to do something in microsoft word and I told
her, "Go look it up."

My mother was more apt to ask me what a word meant than the other way around, and I'm sure she never touched a computer keyboard.

* My mom once left me at the mall.

Wish mine had.

* Someone once mistook my dad as my brother.

People often thought my mother was my sister. Poor woman was barely seventeen when I was born and in later years always looked ten years younger than she was.

* My dad is an inch taller, but weighs twice as much as me.

Mine was quite a few inches shorter but also weighed at least almost twice as much as me.

* A good portion of that is muscle.

Same with mine. A sad thing for a skinny kid to endure.

* Whenever someone meets my dad for the first time, they turn to me
and say, "What happened?"

I think my father was always asking himself that question when he looked at me.

* My dad once threw a rabbit hutch at me.
* I'm good at dodging things.

Only thing mine threw at me was a baseball. He had some absurd notion that was something a father and son did together. I was also good at dodging, far better than at catching.

* I was supposed to be the first of my line to graduate from
college.

Me, too. Never mind, my sister did it instead.

* I don't give a shit.

Neither did I, dropped out of high school. But if I get un-lazy enough to find one of those grants for old people, I might enroll at UH Manoa.

* My mom used to say that to me a lot.

Mine was more the type who say "doo-doo". Alas.

* When the time comes, I will be a better parent.

I'm sure I would have done a little better, but not good enough.

* Everyone in my immediate family is short tempered.

Mine, too, except for my father. When he did get angry, though, he more than made up for it.

* I have friends of more than ten years that have never seen me
angry.

Me, too. I'm too lazy to get angry unless there's some extraordinary reason to do it.

* I only get angry at women I love. No one else is worth it.

I only get angry at people who behave stupidly, whether I love them or not.

* This is embarassing. It wasn't my original intent.

This is embarassing, too. People will say I have too much time on my hands if I start talking back to web pages.

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